Baseball is the worst, and I hate everything about it. The Detroit Tigers appear bound and determined to alienate their entire fanbase by continuing to be bad at baseball. Seriously. How the fuck did this happen? Things seemed so bright at the beginning of the year, but now I’d rather shove my arm down the goddamn garbage disposal than watch the Tigers limp-dick their way through the rest of the regular season. They suck for lots of reasons. Here are some of them.
THEIR OFFENSE SUCKS
How in the good goddamn can a guy like David Price toss a one hitter and still lose? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s feast or famine for the Tiger offense, which was supposed to steal all the bases and score all the runs. The Tigers have scored one run or less 97 times so far this season, setting a world record and allowing those of you who keep score at home to practice drawing circles inside of squares with unrelenting regularity.
THEIR DEFENSE SUCKS
Torii Hunter is old. Rajai Davis is not an everyday outfielder. Austin Jackson, the lone bright spot in the outfield, is tracking down balls in Seattle after the David Price trade. The left side of the infield is comprised of two rookies whose names nobody can seem to fucking pronounce even though they aren’t that difficult, and sometimes a defense-first shortstop who isn’t even that goddamn good at defense. How can anyone expect them to field the ball, like, ever? Can we institute a four-man outfield and rover already? I’ve seen players in the Little League World Series more capable than this crew.
THEIR BULLPEN SUCKS
Great job, starters. Allow us to fuck everything up for you. The only way Detroit has a shot at winning a game anymore is when Rick Porcello (God help us) or David Price is on the mound and can conceivably go the distance. BUT DON’T FUCKING COUNT ON IT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T WIN IF YOU DON’T SCORE.
JOE NATHAN ESPECIALLY SUCKS
Good thing the Tigers didn’t overpay for Joaquin Benoit and decided to go out and get a proven closer in the offseason. Joe Nathan is the goddamn Peter North of closers. You can always count on him to blow it, and blow it hard. This is only compounded by the fact that he doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone thinks and continues to aggressively troll the fanbase on a weekly basis.
Iglesias. Sanchez. Dirks. Verlander. Cabrera. Whether it’s guys sitting on the DL or playing through pain, the Tigers are pretty banged up these days. They look like the Toon Squad at halftime of their matchup with the Monstars in Space Jam. Someone give them MJ’s secret stuff.
THEIR MANAGER SUCKS
Ausmus? MORE LIKE LOSS-MUS.
THEIR FANS SUCK
The Tigers can’t get any love from their fans. When they do something shitty, the home crowd boos them. In all honesty, the Tigers need the support of their fans more than ever, but they can’t even get that. Not to mention the fact that shitty bloggers everywhere are ranting and raving about their persistent shittiness. We’re the worst people.
Phew. Glad to get that off my chest.
Listen, I love the Tigers and I want them to do well, but this team is wearing on me. I had to vent my frustrations or I was going to go crazy.
Believe it or not, I haven’t given up on the season yet, and neither should you. All it’s going to take is a good stretch run and the inevitable collapse of the Kansas City Royals. It’s not a lock, but the Tigers still have a good shot at the playoffs, where we know anything can happen, especially with the starting staff they have. Let’s just hope they get their shit together in time to make a run at the World Series, because that window isn’t going to be open forever.