Displaced Fan Problems: Justin Verlander is Naked and Nobody Cares

Guys. In case you hadn’t heard, there was a big security breach to the iCloud server recently, and a bunch of celebs totes had their nude selfies posted all over the webiverse. People (dudes) are frothing at the mouth (and wherever else) about these pics because they include the likes of Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and a bunch of other conventionally attractive Swimsuit Issue/Hollywood types. This security breach, bee tee dubs, has been named “The Fappening,” which, gosh you guys, is just fucking great to me.

But there’s a real problem with this whole thing, at least on my end. I want to talk about naked Justin Verlander, and nobody around me gives a shit.

The Tigers’ former ace has his naked ass all out there for the world to see, and I can’t even talk about it with anyone. If I was at the bar with my buddies I could be like “HEY GUYS HOW ABOUT THAT NAKED VERLANDER” and people wouldn’t even bat an eyelash. It’s strange how much geography influences weirdness when it comes to talking about pictures of naked dudes on the internet. In Detroit? Let’s talk about Verlander’s dick (which we’ve all basically seen anyway, what with those tight pants, AMIRITE?!). In central Illinois? Forget about it. NOBODY EVEN WANTS TO TALK ABOUT JUSTIN VERLANDER’S NAKED BODY HERE. What even is this place?

Can’t we all just talk about naked Justin Verlander? Leave comments below.

 

Why Do the Tigers Suck?

Baseball is the worst, and I hate everything about it. The Detroit Tigers appear bound and determined to alienate their entire fanbase by continuing to be bad at baseball. Seriously. How the fuck did this happen? Things seemed so bright at the beginning of the year, but now I’d rather shove my arm down the goddamn garbage disposal than watch the Tigers limp-dick their way through the rest of the regular season. They suck for lots of reasons. Here are some of them.

THEIR OFFENSE SUCKS

How in the good goddamn can a guy like David Price toss a one hitter and still lose? I’ll tell you why. Because it’s feast or famine for the Tiger offense, which was supposed to steal all the bases and score all the runs. The Tigers have scored one run or less 97 times so far this season, setting a world record and allowing those of you who keep score at home to practice drawing circles inside of squares with unrelenting regularity.

THEIR DEFENSE SUCKS

Torii Hunter is old. Rajai Davis is not an everyday outfielder. Austin Jackson, the lone bright spot in the outfield, is tracking down balls in Seattle after the David Price trade. The left side of the infield is comprised of two rookies whose names nobody can seem to fucking pronounce even though they aren’t that difficult, and sometimes a defense-first shortstop who isn’t even that goddamn good at defense. How can anyone expect them to field the ball, like, ever? Can we institute a four-man outfield and rover already? I’ve seen players in the Little League World Series more capable than this crew.

THEIR BULLPEN SUCKS

Great job, starters. Allow us to fuck everything up for you. The only way Detroit has a shot at winning a game anymore is when Rick Porcello (God help us) or David Price is on the mound and can conceivably go the distance. BUT DON’T FUCKING COUNT ON IT BECAUSE YOU CAN’T WIN IF YOU DON’T SCORE.

JOE NATHAN ESPECIALLY SUCKS

Good thing the Tigers didn’t overpay for Joaquin Benoit and decided to go out and get a proven closer in the offseason. Joe Nathan is the goddamn Peter North of closers. You can always count on him to blow it, and blow it hard. This is only compounded by the fact that he doesn’t seem to give a shit what anyone thinks and continues to aggressively troll the fanbase on a weekly basis.

INJURIES SUCK

Iglesias. Sanchez. Dirks. Verlander. Cabrera. Whether it’s guys sitting on the DL or playing through pain, the Tigers are pretty banged up these days. They look like the Toon Squad at halftime of their matchup with the Monstars in Space Jam. Someone give them MJ’s secret stuff.

THEIR MANAGER SUCKS

Ausmus? MORE LIKE LOSS-MUS.

THEIR FANS SUCK

The Tigers can’t get any love from their fans. When they do something shitty, the home crowd boos them. In all honesty, the Tigers need the support of their fans more than ever, but they can’t even get that. Not to mention the fact that shitty bloggers everywhere are ranting and raving about their persistent shittiness. We’re the worst people.

*****

Phew. Glad to get that off my chest.

Listen, I love the Tigers and I want them to do well, but this team is wearing on me. I had to vent my frustrations or I was going to go crazy.

Believe it or not, I haven’t given up on the season yet, and neither should you. All it’s going to take is a good stretch run and the inevitable collapse of the Kansas City Royals. It’s not a lock, but the Tigers still have a good shot at the playoffs, where we know anything can happen, especially with the starting staff they have. Let’s just hope they get their shit together in time to make a run at the World Series, because that window isn’t going to be open forever.

#TBT – The Perfect Season

It’s Thursday, so let’s do like we do when the other team hits a homer. THROW IT BACK.

That time Jose Valverde went 49 for 49 in save opportunities.

APTOPIX Yankees Tigers Baseball

Before he melted down completely, Jose Valverde was the most effective closer in baseball. Papa Grande was perfect in save opportunities during the 2011 season. That was the last time the Tigers had anything remotely resembling a consistent closer for an entire season.

Fan Etiquette: Sit the Fuck Down

Have you ever gone to a baseball game and wondered, “Man, how can I keep from looking like an asshole at this baseball game?” Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that if you’re wondering how to keep from looking like an asshole, you probably are an asshole. The good news is that we here at Musings are bringing you a series on fan etiquette. Read up. Take notes. Everyone who sits near you at your next baseball game will be glad you did.

Anybody who’s ever been to a professional baseball game knows there are times we collectively rise to our feet. The playing of the national anthem, for instance, or when the home team is down to its final out. Or perhaps when someone like, say, Miguel Cabrera strolls to the plate in a big situation and we all, as a group, agree that yes, it is time to stand, for the amount of support we must give in this situation cannot be delivered from a seated position. Or maybe even (assuming you are not a no-fun-having baseball humbug) if the wave (gasp!) has rolled to your section and its continuation depends on your vertical posture. Standing with the crowd in these situations is fine. It’s good. It’s great, even, and you should absolutely do it.

But here’s the thing. If you’re at a professional baseball game and you’re standing up in front of your seat for no real reason, then, well, hey buddy, sit the fuck down.

The average baseball game in 2014 lasts about 3 hours and 8 minutes. Wait, let me finish. No, seriousl– what? What? What is so fucking important that you have to interrupt me right in the middle of my goddamn sent– Jesus, you did it again. WHAT? Oh, you’re concerned that 3 hours and 8 minutes is a long time to sit in one place. Yeah, you’re right. It is. Yeah, no, I know. My back get stiff too. I hear you. But guess what, sport-o? THERE’S A BREAK IN THE GAME LIKE EVERY TEN FUCKING MINUTES.

Let’s do the math. If the average baseball game is 188 minutes long (which I just explained to you that it is), and there are 9 innings in a baseball game (which there are, have you ever watched baseball?) then that means there are 18 half innings of play in a game. So each half inning lasts around 10.4 minutes, on average. I’m going to assume you know how averages work.

BUT. It’s not like one half inning bleeds directly into the next. The teams have to switch sides, and the players have to throw the ball around, and sometimes the grounds crew has to rake the infield, and all that shit. In reality, each half inning is, like 7.5 minutes on average, which still leaves almost three minutes of downtime in between. This, my friends, is the perfect time for you to stand up, stretch your legs, pretend that you’re not adjusting your balls (even though you’re obviously adjusting your balls) and take in the sights and sounds of the major league ballpark. This, and no other time.

Look, we’ve all been there. The seats in the ballpark aren’t comfy. We drove a long way to get to the game in the first place. The guy four rows in front of you and down to the left looks kinda like Dave Coulier. But for chrissakes, have a little self control. We’re talking about seven minutes here. If you can’t sit still for seven goddamn minutes I can only assume you’re either a) eight years old or, b) some sort of neurotic maniac who shouldn’t be at a baseball game in the first place.

The thing is, when you stand up while the game is going on, well, you’re in the way. This isn’t really about you. You can sound your cries of “I paid for this ticket!” all you want, but so did everyone else. The people behind you paid for their tickets, too, and they’re at the game to enjoy it. There’s nothing more infuriating than missing a diving catch, a dinger, or a double play because some frat bro in a snapback and his tank-topped buddy decided to stand up, high five, chug their beers, and argue about which one has the sicker tribal tat. Let me settle this for you: tribal tats are stupid and you look like idiots.

It just comes down to decency and being considerate. There are a lot of people in one place at these games, and we’d all do well to try to respect the people around us. If you’re about to stand up in the middle of an at-bat, take a look around and see if anyone else is doing the same. If they’re not, maybe Eugenio Suarez’s two-out AB with the Tigers ahead by six in the 4th inning isn’t as important as it seems like, and you can just, you know, keep your ass in your seat for another couple minutes. There will be plenty of opportunities for you to pee, or get a hotdog, or load up on brewskis throughout the game. If you can follow this advice, the world will be a happier place.

#TBT — Miggy Takes One in the Eye

It’s Thursday, so let’s do like we do when the other team hits a homer. THROW IT BACK.

To that time when Miggy took a bouncer in the eye during spring training.

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When Cabrera made the switch back to third base upon the arrival of Prince Fielder, some were worried about his defense. After a ground ball bloodied him up during Spring Training, people were worried about his health (but also even more people were worried about his defense). Cries that Miggy was a bad third baseman never ceased. None of that really matters, though, because he managed to take home consecutive MVP honors in his two full seasons at the hot corner for the Tigers.

Miggy, we love you.

Preview: David Price’s First Start for the Tigers

In recent news that I assume everyone on the planet is already aware of, the Detroit Tigers recently acquired lefty-ace David Price from the Tampa Bay Rays as part of a three-team fleecing trade in exchange for Austin Jackson, Drew Smyly, and Willy Adames. We could talk about how sad we are to see Austin go, or how indifferent we are about Smyly’s departure, or how we aren’t even totally sure who the hell Willy Adames is. But let’s be real… I’m a little tardy to that party. Everyone has already had all the feels about the trade, and I think most people probably agree that the Tigers got the best of it. So let’s just call it good and talk about something else instead, like how fucking stacked the Tiger rotation is now, and how David Price’s first start in a Tiger uniform is going to go.

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First of all, the Tigers now have the each of the last three Cy Young winners in their rotation. What will Brad Ausmus even do with all those pitchers come playoff time? Detroit will likely use a four-man rotation, and history tells us that Porcello will move to the ‘pen, but this year’s regular season numbers suggest that Verlander should be the one to go. At the same time, while Justin Verlander is but a shell of his former self, if last year is any indication, Must See JV will be back in time for the postseason. I guess there are worse problems to have.

On the whole, David Price obviously makes the Tigers a much scarier team. In terms of Ace Composite Rating, Price ranks even higher than Max Scherzer. You might remember from some of my earlier posts that pitchers posting an ACR over 1.75 find themselves in the top 10% of all pitchers in baseball. The Tigers now have two starting pitchers with elite-level Ace Composite Ratings, and a third whose ACR lands him in the top 20%. In fact, as of right now the only Tiger pitcher whose ACR ranks below the league average is Justin Verlander.

Screen Shot 2014-08-04 at 10.51.42 PMDavid Price also has pretty impressive numbers at Comerica Park. In five appearances at CoPa, Price has pitched his way to a 2.28 ERA with 22 strikeouts. Opponents have managed just a .209 batting average against Price in Detroit, and his career ACR when pitching at Comerica is 2.72. This is great news for the Tigers for the rest of the regular season and for the postseason, especially if they make it to the World Series, since they will have home field advantage as a result of the American League victory in this year’s All Star Game.

The official beginning of the Detroit Tigers’ starting rotation dominance will be today when David Price takes the mound for the first time wearing the Old English D. Trust me on this one: it’s going to be glorious. In fact, I’ll be pretty surprised if the Tigers don’t pull out a victory for ol’ DP the first time he takes the hill. Bold, I know. But I have my reasons.

David Price has historically good numbers against current Yankee batters. Check these out, from ESPN:

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As far as batters with decent sample sizes are concerned, the only ones who have had any luck against Price have been Jeter and Ellsbury. It could be a long night for Yankee batters, especially considering the fact that in his career Price has a 3.57 ERA and a 6-2 record while managing 8.2 K/9 in 12 starts at Yankee Stadium. And just for good measure, I may as well mention that this year’s Yankees are hitting only a combined .254 against lefty starters this season with less than one home run a game. They also strike out about 7.3 times per game against left-handed starters. Did I mention that David Price is a left-handed starter? David Price is a left-handed starter.

So there you have it. The Tigers are now officially the best team in the universe, and David Price will lead the Tigers to victory against the stupid Yankees and in every other game he starts from now until eternity. Or something like that. At the very least, the Tigers are an incredibly dangerous team, and any team that has to face Detroit in a meaningful series has a tough path ahead of them. I’m awfully excited to see what the next few months have in store.

Go Tigers!